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So, here we are in our new home. Might have to do something with the paint, but it seems to be serviceable. Or at least it works, which is something we really couldn’t say for the older site. I mean, it could be working right now, but who’s to say that it’ll be able to carry on like that? Certainly not I. So now that we have the hardware up and running hopefully you can look forward to a veritable plethora of drinking related posts, and no longer will I be confined to the rigid format of only rating bars. No, hopefully in the future I will be expounding at great length on other drinking related topics, much like my spectacular thesis ‘How to Get Drunk in Vegas for (Virtually) Free,’ my accumulated years of wisdom will be doled out on a great variety of topics. And you will listen! Oh yes indeed you shall, for you know you want to know what I have to say about what you want to know, namely: The Drink. The rascally rum, the devil drambuie, the villainous vodka, the beastly beer, and the wily wine but to name a few. And if you’re really lucky, and maybe ask really nicely, perhaps The Good Doctor will be dropping in to dole out some health advice. Like what combination of mixer and spirits is good for dropsy, or whether Mandarin Stoili can prevent scurvy. We might even have some overseas correspondents. Who knows, for when you’re whacked out on Absynthe, there is at least the appearance that the ski is, indeed, the limit.

So I hope you’ll be dropping by on occasion. I see good things coming this way…

You’ve heard the rumours about Vegas. Massive plates of food for under five dollars. Scantily clad barmaids distributing alcohol willy-nilly to ensure you (the fool) and your money are soon parted. You may have heard some basic instructions on how to ensure you get yourself a slice of this sweet alcoholic pie, like ‘be sure to tip.’ But be aware that Vegas is not always the boozaholic Mecca that we have been led to believe, read on my friends to find the tricks of the trade that allowed me to drink my fill on the busiest day of the year, Superbowl Sunday…

The following took me several days of experiments to piece together, and the Superbowl weekend may not be indicative as to what you need to do to get your drunk on the rest of the year, but first here’s a few things that I found should be avoided:

1) Slot machines. If you’re gambling the penny or nickel slots you are, by definition, not worth the casino’s time. You may see the drink lady before the next lunar eclipse, but then again you may not. Perhaps if you tip high enough you might get her to come back, but that’s sort of negates the point of getting free drinks. There’s places in Vegas you can get $1 Heinekens. Also, slots are an absolute waste of money, and they’re boring. Anyone who tells you different has a problem.

If you do try to drink at the slots, remember to pack a lunch. You’re in for a long day.

2) Big Casinos. If you’re in a big casino they’ll be more focused on the good folks at the $25 minimum tables, and the vegetables plugging dollar coins into the machines. The blessed drink ladies will wander into your $5 a table space perhaps once an evening. I lost $100 at the craps table and received one drink for my trouble. Even when Enron style accounting is applied to that return, I still wound up a big fat loser.

3) Peak hours. The peak gambling hours appear to be 10pm-2am. Use this time to eat dinner or maybe buy a drink and watch some of the ubiquitous free entertainment.

Now, with that all said, most of my recommendations will be pretty obvious, as in the opposite of what I just said to avoid. But there is more, rest assured dear readers, there is more. So, quickly, what you want to keep in mind:

1) Blackjack and Craps. Craps is the best odds in Vegas, and Blackjack is the only game that with some skill you can have an advantage over the house. Bet the pass line, or just make the minimum bets and don’t get too adventurous and you should come up smelling like whiskey. Note: if you get a blackjack be absolutely sure to tip the dealer with your extra winnings. Keep doing this and in the end, if you’re dealer is good, he’ll basically play for you. If you are tipping the drink lady a dollar a pop and tell her to keep em coming, soon you’ll be playing on autopilot, just sitting there getting loaded while the dealer makes you money. What a system.

2) Small Casinos. Ah Slots A Fun. You may not have the fancy decor of the Bellagio, or even the Venetian (or even Circus Circus for that matter). Hell, you may not even have non-sticky carpets that appear to be de rigeur on most fashionable establishments. But you don’t have many gamblers, and you don’t have to dress up much to stick out as potentially the only one there not currently gambling away your kids inheritance. If you drink fast and tip em something, they’ll realise soon enough there’s money to be made here. Like Cosco, volume volume volume.

3) Off-peak Hours. 2-6am is a great time to be drinking. If you’re there at that time it’s pretty much assumed you’re either a hardcore gambler, or a drunk, either of which is pretty much the casino’s target market, and they’ll be keen to ply you with drink. Plus, there aren’t that many people around so it’s easy to get the drink lady’s attention.

4) The Sports Book. This, dear readers, was the real find of the trip. The Sports Book is where one goes to bet on all things sporty, which apparently includes horse racing, and apparently horse racing goes all day. If you wander into a Sports Book, pick up a few discarded losing betting stubs, stare up at the horses and yell out random numbers (’go nine, come ooon nine!’) people will assume you’re spending money, especially if you’re there at 10:30am like I was. And if you’re spending money, they’re giving you free drink.

So to sum up, Vegas can truly be a Mecca for the hardcore drinker (the food is terrible, but one can’t have everything). I recommend you hit the Sports Book for some early drinking, then move on to the small casinos for some ’safe’ gambling and with a bit of luck you’ll come out with the money you started with, and drunker than a bum with a bottle of rice wine. I did.

The facts:

Name: DV8
Pint size: 600 mls
Price: $5.25
MoA/D: 5.71
Beer: Molson Canadian
Website

Ahh, the faux Irish bar. A staple for any traveling hardcore drinker. In a foreign land and not sure if the local brew will make you blind? Look for the Irish pub. Chances are if you can’t see one from where you are, you’re just not looking hard enough. Perhaps you’ve already had a bit too much to drink, not that that will stop them from serving you once you focus enough to stumble across the street and into the shamrock studded environs. So pull up a stool, order a Harp and a Bushmills, and drink until you believe you’re on the Emerald Isle itself.

Did I mention the big pints? Another great thing about Irish (and to some extent English, they’re just not as prolific) bars is that they always have decent sized pints. When I lived in Melbourne, most bars served you tiny 250 ml glasses of beer, but not the local Irish pub. No sir, that was at least 500-600 mls. Bliss. And in that fashion Doolin’s does not let you down, all their pints are 20 ounce beasts. Fantastic. They also have lots of nice out of the way tables scattered around the place. The usually ubiquitous Irish paraphernalia is mostly confined to some county crests, and the occasional Guinness banner. And the waitresses wear short tartan skirts. Not sure why, I would have thought that to be more of a scottish thing. Or at least I never saw that in Ireland, but maybe it’s a new thing. I hope it’s a new thing.

In summary: big but not too expensive pints, nice tables, no shamrocks, short skirts. What’s not to like?

Grade: B+

The facts:

Name: DV8
Pint size: 400 mls
Price: $3.95
MoA/D: 5.06
Beer: DV8 C.F.B.
Website

Ever feel like you’re just not quite trendy enough? There’s people in the world that are just super-cool, and you want to hang out around them? Then DV8 is the place for you my friend. Urban hipsters sipping drinks, surrounded by art, while 80s music blares in the background (the 80s are back in baby!)

Personally, I’ve always really liked DV8, although I’ve always been a bit surprised that it’s hung on for as long as it has. I’m not sure why that is, it always seems busy. I suppose it just seems like the sort of place that would be cool for a few weeks, then pass into the sunset of fashion. But it appears to have staying power. It could be the $4 sleeves of not bad beer. DV8’s got their own C.F.B. (Cheap F*cking Beer as the waitress explained it to me) and in that area cheap beer is notoriously hard to come by. Also, the ever changing art seems to have a somewhat pop-ish quality that appeals in a strange way. Right now it features paintings of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Optimus Prime, and Mr Dressup fighting Mr Rogers (the 80s are back baby!) One neato addition they’ve added since the last time I was there, is a sorta sheet-screen contraption that hangs from the ceiling on which they project images from movies. Or from something other than movies, I’m not really sure, but it makes for an interesting backdrop when you’re boozing on the second floor. They also serve a rather large tasty drink for two that Gord and Mikko shared, while Gord let me have it about theBarProject.com’s conflicting data-points, and how for me to be consistent I should only compare the same beer from bar to bar. Like I’m gonna take crap from some drunken chinese dude who’s sharing a drink with a finn. I mean, get serious.

But for science’s sake:

Pint size: 400 mls
Price: $4.35
MoA/D: 4.59
Beer: OK Springs Pale Ale

Grade: A

I think I’m gonna have to buy me a trucker hat (the 80s are back in baby!)

The facts:

Name: Afterglow
Pint size: 341 ml (bottled only)
Price: $5.50
MoA/D: 3.22
Beer: Sleeman’s Honey Brown Lager
Website
Map

Ok, first things first, the full disclosure. I worked for a long time with the bar manager of Afterglow and he?s a good guy, so the things I say should be taken with a grain of salt, a shot of tequila, and a good suck on a lime. Preferably from the belly of a Guatemalan belly-dancer. So with that said the legalities are over and done with, so pull up a chair and I?ll tell you about a little bar located in the heart of historic (ie about 80 years old. And brick!) Yaletown?

Afterglow is really just an afterthought of the owners of Glowbal Satay Bar and Grill. I?m sure there was a small fridge in the back that wasn?t getting used much so the owners said let?s jam a bar back here. And jam they did. So if you?re looking for guaranteed seating, this is not the place for you. As well, if you?re looking for draft beer, this is not the place for you. Or cheap drinks! There?s not a lot of cheap drinks here. In fact, this is the home of the $18 Incredible Hulk that?s so popular they had to create an entry for it in their software system. Frankly, from a Friday afternoon pints perspective, Afterglow is pretty damned crap. You probably won?t get a seat, you have to pay a ton for your drink, and there won?t be much in it when you get it.

That said, if you?re looking to impress a girl/guy on a first date, this could be the place for you! The décor is tres chic. The clientele make more money than you do. They play music by bands you?ve never heard of before. There won?t be many scrubby bastards such as myself. It?s in uber-trendy Yaletown. It?s small and out of the way. If there?s only two of you, chances are you?ll be able to squeeze in somewhere. All elements that should help you score, if you know what I mean.

Still, with a terrible MoA/D like that, I find it hard to give a very high score. I?m married now, so I won?t need to impress any chicks. And though the décor is nice, I?m more of a cheap-beer-and-sawdust-on-the-floor kind of guy.

Grade: C+

Does anybody else remember when that area was a haven for male prostitutes? Ahh the good old days.

The facts:

Name: The Vancouver Club
Pint size: bottled only
Price: ?
MoA/D: ?
Beer: Variety
Website.
Map.

So, you think you’re ready to hobnob with the upper echelons of Canadian society? Is Belvedere vodka beneath you? Is your coffee from Kona, your wine from Bordeaux, and are your literary tastes from 19th century England? In fact, is your wardrobe from 19th century England? Then perhaps the Vancouver Club is just the sort of snobby upper class establishment that just might, but probably won’t, let you in.

Unless you’re a woman, then I wouldn’t hold your breath.

I jest, I jest, women have been allowed in the Vancouver Club for at least 15 years now, and fortunately for me their finances must be in dire straights, for they have deemed it necessary to rent the place out to companies that hire riff-raff such as myself. To quote the inimitable Groucho, ‘I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member.’ So I imagine the Vancouver Club would be worth joining. Located in the heart of Vancouver, The Vancouver Club is an oasis of aristocracy in the mostly classless wasteland that is our fair city. An outpost against the increasing incursions of Restoration Hardware, for if the chair is not 80 years old it is not worthy of one’s behind.

So, let’s cut to the chase shall we. What’s the place like to drink in? In a word, fantastic. For hundreds of years, the monied classes have had little to do with their time but get drunk, and perhaps ruminate on the various forms of toboggins. And the associated service industry has learned to accommodate that need with gusto. When one is gorging oneself on roast beef the wine is plentiful. When one is frowning over a particularly irksome blackjack hand one’s empty drink does not linger to block one’s view. The gin is plentiful, and it is strong. No measuring glass here, and whoa man, there’s a lot of ice. One may soon find oneself so inebriated that they feel inclined to not go to the after party lest they make a total ass of themselves in front of the entire senior management staff. Just postulating here, I of course would never drink at a work function, or at least that’s how I remember it. My only regret for the evening was that, even though it was a pseudo-gambling night, there was no baccarat. Surely if one is to gamble in an establishment as upper crust as The Vancouver Club, one should be able to sit at a table in a tux and have a beautiful woman throw cards at you every time you say ‘carte.’ If not, then I’m not interested in joining thank you very much.

Grade: A-

PS. There’s no MoA/D for this review I’m afraid, if you can get in, the drinks appear to be mostly free, and since I have no idea how many I had, science will momentarily have to take a back seat.

The facts:

Name: Frog & Firkin
Pint size: 600 ml
Price: $4.95
MoA/D: 6.06
Beer: Okanagan Springs Pale Ale
Website
Map

For science, I’m also going to include the vitals for Hoegaarden.
Pint size: 650 ml
Price: $8.25
MoA/D: 3.93

Just cause I love the castle glasses they come in.

Right then, on to the nitty gritty. Fox & Firkin is one a chain of pubs that reaches all across Canada, spreading its faux ye olde world charm. Normally I’m against pale imitations of the real thing. Why eat processed cheese spread once you’ve tasted the glory that is real cheese? Why drink American beer? (Vegas is an exception to this rule. Sure the Eiffel Tower there is only 1/4 size, but christ man, it’s 1/4 size! And you can gamble.) So the various Firkin’s attempts to recreate old world pubs by splattering a few Guinness signs around and serving Bass Ale don’t really impress me. The many booths and television really destroy the whole impression.

What does impress me is 20 ounce pints, and how! This is the reason I began this whole project. If you had asked me 2 months ago if the F&F was a good place to go for an afternoon pint, you would have received a resounding no. Who wants to spend $5 on a pint when Tatlows has em for $4.25? That’s crazy talk. But the scale has again shown me the error of my ways. The F&F is in fact very competitively priced, and shall henceforth be competing heartily for my hard earned Friday afternoon drinking monies. Granted, the Hoegaarden’s MoA/D doesn’t really stack up all that well, but when one is served a beer in a glass so large that it requires two hands to drink it, I’m not sure one has the right to complain about the MoA/D. Ah, who am I kidding, you can always complain about the MoA/D, but you might look foolish doing so in front of uneducated heathens who are unfamiliar with the system. You may want to confine your *censored*ing to when fellow alcoholics are near.

Final Grade: B-

[ed. note: Apparently Geeklog censors! Who knew? The word you’re looking for there is the same that is often used for a female dog, if you know what I mean.

The facts:

Name: SOHO Cafe & Billiards
Pint size: 400 ml
Price: $4.75
MoA/D: 4.22
Beer: Okanagan Springs Pale Ale
Website: http://www.sohocafe.ca
Map

First off, I’d like to state that 6:30 in the morning is no time to be writing reviews for bars, but here we are. Second, I’d like to point out that I have noticed that the name of this bar is SOHO in all capital letters, that is in fact accurate, and I don’t know what that is the way it is. Even in New York I don’t think it’s that way, unless people refer to South Of HOuston. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, it won’t be the first time.

One thing I don’t think I’m wrong about is this bar. And believe you me if you were there with me you wouldn’t have to think long and hard about it either. This place was capital ‘D’ Dead ladies and gentlemen. When I go to a place for apres work drinks on a Friday I expect to have to jostle for space with the assorted laity in the never ending dance of the drunkards. SOHO, however, appears to have all the appeal of a plague ridden rat infested shack. One would think it doesn’t serve beer, but it does, and it charges beaucoup to cashola as well. A 4.22 MoA/D is not something to brag about to other bar owners. It’s a shame too, as this place has some potential. The building itself is a nice old brick place in Yaletown, and it’s one of the few places that one can drink and play pool at the same time without having to pop into and out of a ‘lounge’ between shots (either shots of pool or tequila). But at the end of the day I’m paying almost $5 for a small beer and the right to pay to play pool. Count me as not impressed.

Grade: C