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The caffeine monkey lives for two things: coffee in all its forms, and carnage. In fact, you might say that one enables the other: coffee nurishes the caffeine monkey, and endows him with the power to salt, burn, and delimb people. Ask Dick Cheney how that feels.

But, like all of God’s creatures, the caffeine monkey also lives for love, which is why he moved to Worcester, Massachusetts, also know as the armpit of New England, to be with Ms. Caffeine Monkey. He moved from a city where there’s 18 espresso machines per square metre to somewhere with, oh, 4 coffee shops in the entire city. And two of those suck.

Strange isn’t it? Even with all his “live for the moment, let’s delimb someone” outlook, the caffeine monkey sometimes takes the long view. While pulling himself a double ristretto of Italian roast Sumatra one day, he paused and thought to himself, who’s going to eep me a double ristretto when I’m too old to eep it myself?

Thinking about his mortality brought clarity, and he looked over at Ms. Caffeine Monkey and realized, she likes double ristrettos too. Like me, she likes tearing out people’s arms and feeding them back to themselves. She even looks pretty when ripping out a gallbladder.

And so, he found a particularly nice Canadian-made coffee bean and had it mounted in a semi-bezel mount of a white gold ring, jammed it into a box, and on one Sunday morning put it on the kitchen table beside the NY Times and cup of coffee. Ms. Caffeine Monkey saw the box and said “Eep! What’s this!”

“Will you eeeeep (future tense of “to marry” in monkeyspeak) me?” said the Caffeine Monkey, swinging down on one arm.

“Eeep!” (yes) she replied.

And then Mr. and Ms. Caffeine Monkey drove up to Maine to delimb a small town and burn and salt it to the ground. The end.

Right, in case you didn’t know, SlantyFinn is getting hitched. We took him on his stag last weekend, and my, he was looking fine.

Oh yeah!!

SlantyOJ says: I thought maybe your BBQ had gone Hindenburg on Bruticus but it turns out crazy lettuce man had pulled the fire alarm in our building.

Crazy lettuce man was a guy that was exposing himself on the sidewalk while chomping vigorously on a head of lettuce, which is, in itself, crazy.