Dave Does Australian Cask Wines

Due to an unusual lack of resources I find myself in a unique situation. I must place my latest Dave Does within another Dave Does (does this make is a Dave Doesn’t? What a dichotomy), so I trust that ya’ll will excuse me for the somewhat unusual lack of snazzy graphics that I normally depend on to make these readable. That being said, I trust that the glorious wittiness of it all will carry you through. Rest assured that the research period was long and hard (2 weeks, 20 or so liters of wine, you do the math cause my brain doesn’t work anymore) but strangely enjoyable. I should also thank Lonnie for shouldering much of the burden. His knowledge from his research into a biochemistry PhD was invaluable in my attempts to introduce the aforementioned scientific method. And he drinks a lot.

Before we get too far in, let me note that I have attempted
to introduce elements of the scientific method in my research,
and to that end I will be using my tried and true
Rating
Systemâ?¢
, so if you are not familiar with this system I
recommend you refresh yourself before carrying on any further.
Also, I have broken down the wines into various elements that
I will analyse individually, before carrying on to a final
analysis that will have virtually nothing to do with the facts
at hand. Usually it came down to whether I liked the colour
of the box. I should also thank Lonnie for shouldering much
of the burden. His knowledge from his research into a biochemistry
PhD was invaluable in my attempts to introduce the aforementioned
scientific method. And he drinks a lot.
But enough of that, lets talk scientific method. Here’s how I broke down the individual wines:

Packaging : The first impression. Did this wine say to me “I’ll make you feel pain in a way no man has done since the Spanish Inquisition” or did it only hint at the fact that it would make me wish that I had never been born. Remember, these are cask wines, there are only gradations of bad here.

Price : The Price

% : The percentage alcohol by volume. Not to be confused with the percentage alcohol by weight, which is useful in it’s way but due to time limitations and our recent loss of brain power, had to be left out at this time.

Volume : The volume in liters. The fact that this is measured in liters really should have warned me that this may not have been the wisest of undertakings.

MOAD : The Milliliters Of Alcohol per Dollar (MOAD) rating is a system I cunningly developed to get a better approximation of the true worth of the wine. You simply take the volume of the wine, multiply it by the alcohol percentage and divide by the amount paid, and you end up with your MOAD rating. Strangely, the MOAD rating seems to have a direct relation with the consumption of aspirin in a given household, but I’ll leave that to future scientists to research.

Varietal : The type of grape.

What Lonnie Says : What Lonnie Says.

Comments : General rating and raving by yours truly. An attempt to encapsulate the myriad colours and flavours of the bountiful supply of wines, with a touch of “who’s your daddy” attitude thrown in to boot. This is the section that makes or breaks the wine.

The Rating : The final rating. Years of viticulturists work summed up with one rating of 1 – 5 stars.

So without further ado, bring on the wines….

Lindeman’s

Packaging
:
The packaging for this wine was excellent, certainly one of
the best sampled. The important thing to note with this wine
were the opening instructions. Complete with small diagrams,
this wine had excellent opening instructions, the best in
fact. Perfect for first time wine drinkers, or those of us
who’s brains have stopped functioning and need to be reminded
the proper way to punch through that tricky cardboard, and
search for the pour spout.

Price :
$22.99

% :
12.5%

Volume :
4 liters

MOAD :
21.75 MOADâ??s

Varietal :
Cabernet Shiraz blend

What
Lonnie Says : “Worth sucking the last drip out of the bladder.”

Comments :
This wine was surprisingly drinkable, especially for a 4 liter
option. Usually the 4 liter varieties tasted suspiciously
close to a cross between motor oil and rank sewage water.
This one just tasted like bad wine. A fairly low MOAD rating
hurts this wine in the end but it certainly was one of the
best we sampled.

The
Rating :


Yalumba

Packaging :
Very boring packaging. The only reason we purchased this wine
was because of the price, which was high enough that we thought
we could rule out blindness as a possible side-effect of our
research. We were wrong, so wrong.

Price :
$12.99

% :
12.5%

Volume :
2 liters

MOAD :
19.25 MOADâ??s

Varietal :
Shiraz

What
Lonnie Says : “I have no recollection of this one whatsoever.
Did we drink this in one night?”

Comments :
Certainly the worst of the bunch. Given the low MOAD rating
I expected a relatively drinkable wine, and was very disappointed.
True, blindness was not a factor with this wine, but quite
frankly, my vision didnâ??t improve either. And for that kind
of price in the cask wine game, one expects some sort of miracle,
and since I didnâ??t walk on water either (and I might have
with the Morris, Iâ??m not really sure) this wine was a big
disappointment.

The
Rating :


Hardyâ??s

Packaging :
Blue, I like that. After drinking all this wine I got sick
of red. This was a nice change. As well, this was the only
3 liter cask. Original. It says to me “we wonâ??t be forced
into the 2L-4L dichotomy of Australian cask wines.”

Price :
$21.99

% :
12.5%

Volume :
3 liters

MOAD :
28.86 MOADâ??s

Varietal :
Cabernet Shiraz

What
Lonnie Says : “Made me wonder what possessed you to do
a Dave Does Australian Cask Wines.”

Comments :
Quite frankly I was impressed by this wine. As the name suggests
you must be fairly tough to consume it, but at least they
appear to be warning you and I for one appreciate that. Not
like the other wines, where they lure you in and then crush
your melon with the ungodly taste of the vile red devilâ??s
brew they pass off as wine.

The
Rating :


Kaisar
Stuhl

Packaging :
Truth in advertising. This wine says to me “even though weâ??re
not a German wine, weâ??re bad enough to call ourselves one.”
And the name drew me in. Kaisar, perhaps meaning king. And
Stuhl, pronounced stool, meaning feces. King of Feces. I appreciate
the warning implicit in that.

Price :
$7.99

% :
12%

Volume :
4 liters

MOAD :
60.06 MOADâ??s

Varietal :
Soft Dry Red Claret

What
Lonnie Says : “I wouldnâ??t even light a fire with this stuff.”

Comments :
The unbelievably high MOAD rating helps one deal with the
fact that this wine tastes as though all the forces of the
Third Reich are simultaneously blitzkreiging on your tastebuds.
This is a wine for truly dedicated alcoholics. Marketed solely
at those looking for a fine wine to drink with their big macs.
When it first hit the shelves all the homeless rolled over
in their cardboard homes and took notice. Still, it gets the
job done. Good for it.

The
Rating :


Banrock
Station

Packaging :
Very nice. Unbleached cardboard, comes with seeds to plant
in your garden, and proclaims that $2 from the purchase will
go to helping replant forests. Ecologically minded, it reminds
one of the concept of Gaia, and how when we consume wine it
creates a need for more grapes which gives illegal immigrants
jobs picking grapes to produce more wine for one to drink.
I enjoy being a part of the circle of life and so I enjoy
buying this wine.

Price :
$11.99 on special

% :
12.5%

Volume :
2 liters

MOAD :
20.85 MOADâ??s

Varietal :
Cabernet Shiraz

What
Lonnie Says : “Tastes as sweet as the blood of a freshly
killed animal.”

Comments :
While I donâ??t particularly agree with the smaller 2 liter
size, I always reminded myself to just buy 2 at a time. This
is the wine that started it all. And, since itâ??s the only
drinkable one, itâ??s the wine that going to finish it as well.
Whatâ??s that you say, a drinkable cask wine? Surely that only
happens in fairy tales and Tin Tin comic books. But no my
friends, this is a truly great find, to rank with the discovery
of penecillin, and will allow me to continue to consume cask
wine while endangering only 2 or 3 major internal organs.
This is truly a wine for the generations.

The
Rating :


Morris

Packaging :
Very snazzy calligraphy almost allowed you to look past the
fact that this was a “dry red”, which realistically means
they could pretty much put anything in there and call it wine.
Broken glass, rusty nails, holy bibles for colour. From the
taste of it all things were possible with this wine.

Price :
$10.99

% :
12.5%

Volume :
4 liters

MOAD :
45.50 MOADâ??s

Varietal :
Dry Red

What
Lonnie Says : “Nick from Wagga Wagga has flogged me ute
and taken it into the back paddock to do donuts.”

Comments :
The good MOAD rating doesnâ??t really help one get past the
fact that this wine is terrible. And with the hobo market
sewn up by the Kaisar Stuhl, Iâ??m not really sure who this
wine is marketed towards. Still, I drank it, and it was cheap.
But the Stuhlâ??s where itâ??s at.

The
Rating :


I trust that you have found this somewhat informative. And
should you ever find yourself in Australia, mark my words
and avoid the Kaisar. For though he may be cheap, just like
the Kaisarâ??s of old, heâ??ll rampage around your body in a land
war of vast proportions.
My final analysis: drink beer instead