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Well ladies and gents, the time has come once again for yet another rant and
rave by yours truly. What is is he’s going to go off about this time you ask?
What is it that’s fermenting in Dave’s brain that must be known by all? I’ll
tell ya, cause I can feel your desire to know. Let me explain my thought process
(don’t worry if this doesn’t make sense to you, it’s because it doesn’t make
sense. It occurred to me that I really enjoyed my current nickname on Slanty.Net,
namely: OD. For those of you not in the know, this is short for the “Original
D.” We here at Slanty are constantly looking for ways to shorten things. Abbreviations,
penile reductions, leg amputations, these are all encouraged here. And as such
we began to refer to each other by only the first letter in our name. James
became J, Dave became D, Kelso became K and so on. But then we realized that
Dan also became D. F&%$, we were stumped. But then James suggested that I become
OD and Dan be-cum 2D, and Dale become 3D. I enjoyed this because it inferred
that I was the first and best (even though I’m younger than both Dan and Dale).
Anyways, this got me to thinking, who and what else shares the letter D in their
names? And so I bring to you the first in my ratings series, and the third in
the Dave Does series ….

Chuck “D” — Badass Rapper

Chuck D was one of the original bad ass rappers, as the lead dood from Public Enemy. But he also had a social conscience, albeit very very pro-black. Back when others were rapping about how “It takes two to make a thing go right” and how it’s super cool to “Let your backbone slide,” Chuck D was going off about how “911 is a joke” and “Burn Hollywood Burn”. A sample for ya’ll..

Burn Hollywood Burn I smell a riot goin’ on

Right on Chuckiepoo, but what about the rest of us who enjoyed You’ve got
Mail, what eh hell are we going to do for entertainment? Still, I gotta
respect a man who can take a stand like that and pretty much tell the world
to blow it out their respective asses, and make millions it doing so. Plus he’s
got a troop of dancers called SR543 or something like that, and all they do
is stand around and look mean! I swear I’ve never really seen them dance, they
just look BadAss. That’s cool. As well, when you’ve got Flavour Flav as your
permanent sidekick you just can’t be all bad.
I mean this guy is the original freaky rapper sidekick dood. In fact, he’s pretty
much the only freaky rapper sidekick dood, and he does it well. In addition,
Flavour Flav was getting arrested for gun possession when Tupac and Snoop Doggy
Dogg where suckling their mommies boobies. Sweet. The only thing that detracts
from the all round badness (other than the fact that they scare the pants off
me, but I can live with that), is the fact that Public Enemy seems to have permanently
attached themselves to Spike Lee Jointz. Bummer, since the last movie I saw
by Spike Lee that I enjoyed was Do The Right Thing, which came out in
1988 or something like that. And what the hell is this business with Jointz
or whatever the hell he calls em. Some kinda Black Thing I don’t understand
probably, but screw him. Oh yeah, and he had nothing to do with SABOTAGE!!!!!
All round though, I’m proud to share a letter of my name with Chuck D, and as
such he gets a….

.

Good work Chuck D, keep it up!!

Mike “D” — Badass White Rapper

I have three words for
you ladies and gentlemen: SA-BO-TAGE!!!!!!!! So good it must be
broken into three words to contain the magnificence. Can you dig it? Yes that’s
right, Mike D is one of the fabled, often talked of, often listened to Beastie
Boys. The group that single handedly made Much Music watchable for the entire
year of 1996, with their magic SABOTAGE!!!!! video. Absolute genius.
For those of you who haven’t seen it I pity you. You must now commit ritual Hari
Kari while wearing leg warmers and listening to Gino Vanelli, this is how uncool
you have become. Tough but Fair. The B-Boys have followed up with some notable
videos, namely Body Movin’, which is also pretty good, but no SABOTAGE!!!!!!!

But what is really. That video was delivered by the gods.
As far as I can tell, the only thing that could possibly detract from Mike D’s
overall coolness, is the fact that he may be the least cool Beatie Boy. There’s
Ad Rock, who is sorta the musical guy. He heads Grand Royal Records, the Beastie’s
label, he plays guitar when they play they’re own instruments, and he sang in
SABOTAGE!!!!!!! Then you have MCA. He’s the head of the Beastie’s
fight to save Tibet. So he has that really weird thing going on. And he plays
bass when they play their own instruments. Finally you have Mike D. He heads up
the Beastie Boys line of clothing. And plays drums when they play their own instruments.
History has shown that, with the exception of Don Henley from the Eagles, and
that one-armed guy from Def Lepperd, the drummer is always the worst dood in the
band. But to be the worst in the Beastie Boys, is still to be the top of the heap.
And as such Mike D is awarded the coveted….

Keep up the “dope” work Mike..

Heavy “D” — Bad Rapper With A Big Ass

Can you say “One-Hit-Wonder?” I knew you could. Anybody who went to high school in the early early nineties will remember Heavy D and the Boyz for cursing us with the song “Now That We Found Love What Are We Gonna Do With It?” First off, that’s wayyyyy too many words for the title of one song. For christ sakes, why not just “Now” or “I suck” or “I’m a has-been-one-hit-wonder”. These are all reasonable titles for a song. He should hire me as his agent, maybe he’d make a comeback. As it is, however, he’s relegated to the graveyard of past stars. Condemned to wallow in the shadows of way cooler hasbeens Gary Coleman and Mr. T, both of whom will never die in Dave’s world. You have to give Heavy D credit for paving the way for the Notorious B.I.G. and other overweight rappers. Without him the world may have been condemned to a never ending parade of two dimensional rappers like MC Hammer, and Puff Daddy. Heavy D introduced that third dimension of girth, god bless him. Another strike against Heavy D, however, is the fact that ever since I thought of him several days ago, I’ve been completely unable to get his freakin’ song outta my head. It’s driving me nuts!!! The chair would be too good for him. Perhaps he hasn’t seen SABOTAGE!!!!!!! and will have to commit Hari Kari while wearing leg warmers listening to Gino Vanelli. As that is unlikely, I find myself required to give Heavy D….

You suck Heavy D, nothing personal.

A Pause For Self-Reflection and Internal-Musings

Well folks, what have we
established so far? As far as I can tell, we’ve established the fact that I share
my nickname with a bunch of rappers, both good and bad. Is this a sign that perhaps
I should have attempted a career in rap music rather than municipal finance counseling?
Perhaps it could have been OD and the Boyz. Perhaps I could have been on
stage in front of thousands of screaming girls, all anxious for a piece of OD
action. Perhaps, but not bloody likely. I don’t even really like rap, so I don’t
really see how I could do well at it. I gots the name, but not the rhythm. Can
you imagine me trying to dance on stage. I’d be too busy laughing at my own pathetic
ass, we’d have to clear the stage of any reflective surfaces. Still, I could sample
somebody else’s bass line, grab some baggy clothing, write some cheezy lines,
wiggle my little ass…….

Duke Nukem 3″D” — A Badass Video Game

I love this game. First
off, my favourite was going up to the window in the bathroom, pushing the action
button, and hearing “Damn, I’m looking good.” I like the fact that this
game reinforces a healthy, positive attitude of self. It says to me: “I can
feel good about myself as I run around blowing garbage can size holes into zombie-esqe
meanies, who have never done me wrong but seem bent on eating my brains. Good
for me!” After that, the rest of the game was pretty good. The third in the
first person narratives for me, following Wolfenstein and Doom. Both of those
were better but this was still good. It didn’t have the absolute evil of the
Nazis, or the even worse minions of Hell, if fact, I’m not really sure who I
was fighting against in Duke Nukem 3D, coulda been some badass nuns for all
I know. But I sure blew them to all hell and gone. Good times.
Plus, you have to dig a game that has a music album that has songs by Megadeth.
“Countdown to kicking your ass” or something like that I figure. Plus it’s called
“Music to Score by.” Score what? Chicks? Hockey goals? Musical compositions?
Quite frankly, I find it hard to believe that popping this little baby into
your car stereo is gonna get some girl into your back seat. More likely it’ll
confirm your desperate status as geek/nerd/dweeb from the audio/visual club.
I gotta get me a copy. Anyways, based solely upon the hours played at the ole
Slanty Shanty, this game gets a sweet…

Hey look, I just slaughtered 20 people in that room … I think that’s wrong [Damn, I'm looking good!] Oh well, I’m the best so they all deserved to die. Must kill more….

“D” The Letter Grade — A Badass Mark

I lot of people think
that a D is a bad mark. I agree. However, the few times that I’ve been on the
receiving end of this little bad boy, I’ll tell ya, I was relieved. Most hard-core
students look at a D and they see a sub-80 IQ level. The rest of us see a D
and we think “that’s four/eight months of more work I just avoided. Phew.” For
me a D is a beautiful thing cause it means that I don’t have to retake the course,
and that is always a good thing. Anything that reduces my work load is to be
praised repeatedly. But then it’s a D, and as such I must award it a…..

Dickie “D” Ice Cream — A Badass Bar o’ Sugar

Well folks, I’m pulling up the couch and ya’ll can shine a really really bright light in my eyes and keep me from sleeping for 72 hours. That’s right, it’s confession time. I really don’t like ice cream very much. I know some people view HagenDaas as the second coming of Christ, and Ben and Jerry’s to be the third coming, but I don’t buy into it. Too sweet for me. So really, if I don’t like ice cream, why the hell am I gonna like Dickie Dee? It ain’t there gawddamn trucks, that’s for sure. Christ those things piss me right the hell off. There you are, playing a game of baseball on a nice sunny day, hoping to God the ball doesn’t get hit to you so you have to spill your beer, and this damn truck roles by tootling out its bastardization of the Piano Man or some such, and everybody goes running off like they’re giving out free beer. WTF?? Don’t they realize they’re delaying the eventual trip to the bar?? Misplaced priorities I say…

[Whap] Ahhhh christ! My beer!!

A Brief Summation

Well folks, that pretty much wraps it up. Here’s a scary pick of DD for ya’ll
to peruse while you consider changing your name so it includes the coveted letter
“D”. Maybe then I’ll rate you!!