***Disclaimer*** This particular "Dave Does" will have no
meaning if you are unfortunate enough to know the folks here at Slanty.Net.
However, I’m hoping that ya’ll will take the time to read this little article
and laugh at it, cause it’s all true by God!

Enough of that warning crap. On with the Willy-Nilly, the Hocus-Pocus, the
Humpty-Dumpty, the dope shit homey. Word. Yes in diddeley deedeley is time for
yet another in the "Dave Does" series. First though, as per usual,
a quick peek into the dim dark world that is my mind, and a brief explanation
of why this and why now? Really there’s no reason. The fact is, it’s just another
step in Slanty.Net’s eventual world domination. First Tamagotchi, then Hello
Kitty, then Pokemon, then the world!!! And as such I present to you…..

Damn straight!

Ever wonder what it would be like if we here at Slanty.Net were to start up
our own Tamagotchi company? First off, the thing would be called Slantygotchiâ?¢
(damn I love that â?¢ action, protects my ass from the ravages of the long arm
of tha law! Fight the man!). Thirdly, the suckers wouldn’t come with the normal
"feed", "play", "rest", and "masturbate"
or other equally boring buttons. Listen up kids, these Slantygotchiâ?¢ would be
interactive, implacable, and inadmissable in a court of law (remember: fight
the man!). And point B, each would be different, with different actions and
reactions depending on what buttons you push. Instead of feeding your little
scary creature from the nether regions of space, you kids will be able to help
2D get some action with a chick, or make OJ drink himself under the table (like
he needs extra incentive, sheesh!). And so, on to the first , the flagship…
BADABOOM!!

24601gotchi

Our basic model! This one’s a beaut kids. Guaranteed to satisfy (according
to Jody anyway). When you first start up 24601gotchi, you’re presented with
a blank palatte in which you can create whatever computer madness you want.
You too can speak in an alternate language comprehensible only to computer geeks.
Banter about the postives and negatives of embedding a link in an object, and
whether tis nobler to surf the net on your NT dual processor server or set a
firewall up on your Linux 486 box. Cookies are now to be loathed and feared
and eventually understood, not stolen and gobbled and eventually enjoyed. A
Perl necklace? Don’t follow you. A Gnuplot? Why not? Imagine the fun! And we’re
not even at the weekend yet. Cause come Friday evening it’s time to break out
the most disgusting alchoholic drinks and scull! Imagine, after having only
two inferno vodka caesars your little Slantygotchiâ?¢ will break out into a red
rash, and tell you it’s time for bed by pulling his hood over his head. And
that’s the end of him until the next morning, when the fun begins all over again!!

OJgotchi

Possibly our most fun model! This baby presents you with all sorts
of options. Wanna feed him? Watch his drink a Gin and Tonic. Wanna put him to
bed? Watch him drink a six pack of beer. Wanna watch him to a body shot offa
Russian hooker in Istanbul on Saint Paddy’s day? We got a button for that too!!
The party quite literally never stops with OJgotchi. From the moment you get
this one out of the package it’s a non-stop alchoholic binge until there’s nothing
left. Ahhhh the good times! Fun for the kids too.

 

 

 

ODgotchi

Bored of being able to figure out what it is your little Slantygotchiâ?¢’s gonna
do? Want a little more excitement in your little guy’s life? Well do we have
the deal for you! ODgotchi is so unpredictable even we don’t know what the hell
he’s gonna do. Our best AI experts spent months trying to remove any trace of
intelligence from this little package. Watch as one moment he’s happily drinking
a beer in a bar and the next he’s at his local branch of TD demanding that they
close his account as they’re a bunch of free-basing gimboids. Just get him settled
into a nice life with a degree and WHAAMMO, he’s off to Australia. Sexual deviancy?
ODgotchi’s got that too. It’s just sheep as far as we know but who knows what’s
around the next corner? It sure as hell isn’t us, that’s for damn sure.

 

 

Bardgotchi

Want to know what it’s like to have led a near perfect life? Wanna
have a bright and promising future ahead of you, with beautiful women, high
salaries, and Vietnamese hookers (we’re not sure about that last one, but we’re
hoping). Well this Slantygotchiâ?¢ is for you. To date we’ve been testing Bardgotchi
for months and as yet he has yet to make a mistake. We tossed him into juvenile
detention and the little bugger got his law degree by correspondence. Give him
a spinal trauma, put him in a wheelchair, and watch him pull a Rick Hansen.
Quite frankly Bardgotchi had a little trouble getting past our legal department
cause the lawyers thought he would depress everybody by reminding them how inadequate
they are. But we have faith in you! And we’re protected by the power of â?¢, so
if you throw yourself off of a bridge we really don’t care!! Happy swimming
fish boy!

 

Grumpygotchi

Feeling happy about yourself? Ennoying your work? Feeling like
you’ve got a grip on the world? Sick of it? Well have we got the Slantygotchiâ?¢
for you! Grumpygotchi is guaranteed to do everything possible to bring you down:

"Hello Grumpygotchi, how are you today?"

"Ugh, piss off."

And every third or so time he won’t even bother with the "piss
off." Watch as Grumpygotchi retreats to his cave to drink beer, smoke,
and watch wrestling, only emerging every fortnight to forage for food among
the local fast-food vendors. Watch him as he arrives at a party late, and then
proceeds to watch hockey for the duration!! Watch as Grumpygotchi amazes with
his vast repository of trivial knowledge. Occationally, Grumpygotchi will emerge
from his den to play volleyball. It is at these times that he shines, almost
interacting with others on a normal level. Can’t get his serve in though.

2Dgotchi

Are you a lonely loser with no social skills at all? Tired of
being shunned by the opposite sex? Do you watch the Rosie O’Donnell show? Well,
2Dgotchi won’t be able to help you with any of those things, but damn is he
good for a laugh. Be amazed as your 2Dgotchi wades into the world of the opposite
sex, skewering helpless females left right and center, taking them home to have
his way with them. Or something like that. Laugh until you have tears in your
eyes as 2Dgotchi attempts to keep everything in his life striaght, often slipping
up in very embarrasing ways. Buy a house! Why not? Contemplate the eternal dichotomy
that is life… or something

Warning: this Slantygotchiâ?¢ is recommended for people over
18 years of age only

 

Aussiegotchi

Ready for a voyage Down Under? Ready to don your hockey gear and
roam the wasteland in search of fuel? Then you’re ready for Aussiegotchi, our
most foreign Slantygotchiâ?¢. Watch as Aussiegotchi sharpens his knifes and cleans
his guns. The search for fuel is only interrupted by a sporadic need to eat.
Toilets flush the wrong way. Common household vegetables become incomprehensible
mumbo-jumbo (capsicum?). Truly an awesome predatory machine, the Aussiegotchi
is to be respected and feared. Upon occasion the Aussiegotchi may attempt to
take you out drinking. This may result in your flat on your back on the busiest
street in Vancouver, and puking in your trash bin. Be forewarned, the Aussiegotchi
is not for the faint of heart.

Warning: this Slantygotchiâ?¢ is not recommended for pansy ass
wimps.

 

Finngotchi

Who?